Originally published in Kairos Catholic Journal
The stability and support that husband and wife can offer each other when they invest in their marriage not only helps them achieve health and success in their lives, but also supports the growth of their children socially, emotionally and intellectually.
Moreover, a good marriage can support fathers in particular, in their relationship with their children.
Dr John Gottman, a marriage and parenting researcher at the University of Washington, conducted a study of 130 couples over the first three years after a baby had been born.
Gottman found that two-thirds of couples had a drop in marital satisfaction. The other third had maintained their satisfaction or had become more satisfied. Why?
Gottman found that the couples who were mindful of, and looked after, their marriage friendship belonged to the happy third. Two thirds had let the friendship, romance and intimacy slip.
Exhaustion, lack of time set aside for each other or lack of support for each other led to distance. The distance between couples led to feeling unimportant, which then led to being critical, defensive and disrespectful of each other. "Over time, both partners are haunted by feeling unappreciated, neglected and lonely." It’s not hard to see how this leads to dissatisfaction.
Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash
The father-child connection
One of the keys to father involvement with their children, Gottman concludes, is the quality of the relationship between parents and whether conflict is dealt with in a constructive manner.
It is difficult to be warm and emotionally available to children when the relationship between the parents is strained. When there is a lot of conflict between parents, fathers withdraw not only from their partner, but from their infants as well, Gottman adds.
He says: "Study after study after study is showing that father involvement and warmth and emotional availability to young children predict intellectual functioning and emotional functioning in both sons and daughters."
Gottman's studies over the past 15 years have shown us the necessity for children to have good relationships with not only their mothers but also their fathers. Each one offers their children different experiences.
For example, fathers play differently with their children than do mothers. Fathers tend to engage more in rough and tumble, which helps children learn how to control their own impulses. Children who have impulse control can delay gratification and are found to be "more socially competent, personally effective, self-assertive adults, better able to cope with frustration, more self-reliant and confident and less likely to crumble under pressure".
Strong marital relationships
Fathers can be more emotionally available when they are in a loving marital relationship. Gottman has found in a 30-year study that successful relationships are based on a strong friendship that is not compromised.
Knowledge of each other's world, respect, warmth, affection and time for connecting and doing things together build the couple's friendship. These also build a 'positive perspective' and the couple's ability to accept each other's influence. Men who are able to value the opinion of their partner as they do their own have healthier marriages than those who do not.
Although conflict is found in every relationship, by building a strong marital friendship, conflict is reduced and dealt with in ways that are not detrimental to the marriage relationship.
Dreams and aspirations are shared and respected. A 'we' culture is built on a sharing and understanding of values, symbols, goals, roles and rituals that embrace the marriage.
Within this context, mothers and fathers can support each other in fulfilling their dreams for the kind of parents they hope to be to their children. Mothers and fathers can be emotionally available to their children and confident in their support of each other.
The importance of a strong father figure
Fathers can emotionally coach their children, leading them to develop emotional intelligence.
This helps the children to feel respected, valued and loved. This also helps them to be resilient and to fortify themselves as they continue through life against issues later in life such as suicidal thoughts, premature sexual activity, drug addiction and even the unfortunate divorce of parents.
Boys in their teenage years need their dads or a close father figure to support them to cross the bridge from boyhood to manhood. Girls need their dads to help them know they are loveable and loved so they do not need to seek it elsewhere at a young age.
Some effective ways that dads can connect with their children include making enough time for their spouse and children and learning how life is for them in their shoes. Instead of criticising, they can positively affirm efforts and speak mindfully of what is going right.
As well as routine involvement around the home, dads can make special times and rituals both with their spouse and their children, keeping them on their 'emotion detection' radar. They can respond positively and listen to how they are; validate emotions, listen empathically, help them label emotions and support them in solving their problems while keeping clear limits. This is emotional coaching.
Children who experience emotional coaching make better friendships, do better academically, have fewer behavioural problems, and are healthier and less violent.
It never ceases to amaze me how love has a transformative power. The loving investments of priority, time, attention and care go a long way to creating happy marriages and a successful life pathway for our children.
Mary | CatholicCare Relationship Educator
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